Thursday, December 5, 2013

One day at a time.

I had a really good November. I won NaNoWriMo with a few days to spare, I was fairly creative and felt quite upbeat, even though I was averaging only 3 hours sleep a day.
We are 5 days into December and I spent the best part of two days in bed. Tuesday I wanted to beat peoples heads in with a sledgehammer so figured it was best to stay out of people's way. There wasn't any person in particular, just a general thing. Wednesday I just felt like I couldn't deal with anything. Others were being all stressy around me and it really didn't help. Monday was only slightly better, and I at least made it to choir practice. I didn't make it to the first Xmas singing thing.. that was Wednesday. Sunday I had a beadie thing, which was ok.
Today is Thursday and I have actually been up and relatively active since 8:30am. It is almost 5pm as I type this. I went out and did a bit of shopping with my man, did some cleaning in our room and did some dishes. And I had a shower and got dressed. In terms of December so far, today is what I would call a really good day.
I was hoping I would keep the momentum of October and November going, but it hasn't happened so far. I'm not going to throw the whole month away. I've had a few bad days, and each day is a fresh day.
At the back of my mind is the knowledge that I won't see my therapist until well into the new year and I think that I am feeling almost abandoned. That could suggest I rely a bit too much on my therapist. And that scares me. What if I have to stop seeing him? What if I have to start with a new therapist and go through all the back story again? It may not be healthy to be so attached to a therapist, but he has helped me so much over the last few years. I seriously wonder if I would still be here if it wasn't for him. I could well be in a mental institution otherwise.
Anyway, onwards we go.

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Life, and all that jazz

So I have been a terrible blogger this month, and whilst it isn't entirely true, I will blame NaNoWriMo for my slackness.
I went to see my therapist yesterday and things are looking very positive, even though I have had a really busy month with a lot of emotional stuff going on. I have managed to be the one in control, instead of the depression/anxiety/PTSD being in control. This is huge for me and marks the second month in a row of this being the case. Considering I have been out of control for over 3 years I really cannot state how freaking huge this is.
Onward and upwards.

Friday, November 15, 2013


We are halfway through November, and that means halfway through NaNoWriMo, which is the main reason I am not really blogging here. I have passed the 30,000 word mark, so I am really pleased with myself.
I have also been really creative this month, which is nice too.
Today hasn't been such a good day though. I'm still in my pjs at 10:30pm and I didn't get out of bed until after the kids got home from school. I'd still be there frankly, if not for my partner. I really didn't want to deal with life today.
I have had a couple of days where I have gotten up early, with the kids, and then wanted to go back to bed but have fought against it, but today bed won the battle.
Anyway, it is only one day. Tomorrow is a new day.

Tuesday, November 12, 2013


Oh crap on a stick! I have been so involved with NaNoWriMo that I have completely forgotten to blog here. I have finding it really cathartic this year, my main character is like me, in that she is mentally ill. I am actually ahead of schedule with it, and I am feeling quite buoyant, even though sickness has continued to plague my family.
I need to make more an effort to blog here, because it really has helped me stabilise, given me an outlet when I need to offload. I don't know how many bother to read it, but I have realised that I need this for me. If others find it interesting or useful then cool.
Anyway, back to writing :-D

Thursday, November 7, 2013

Deja Vu

So today I had something confirmed that until I had just heard rumours about. I don't tend to listen to rumours, because it isn't from the horse's mouth. But today the horse confirmed it.
My son has been trying heroin.
And I don't know one troubled person who tried heroin once and never tried again, and again, and again.
But I know lots of people who have tried heroin and not lived to tell the tale.

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Vent or Attack

Today's blog post will be about something that everyone does and has had done to them. Venting. Or are you really attacking your ventee? So let's talk about the difference.

Venting: the offloading of thoughts and feelings about a particular event/experience to a voluntary listener.

Attacking: the offloading of thoughts and feelings about a particular event/experience onto a voluntary listener.

There doesn't seem to be a huge difference, but there is. One is going to make you feel better and give the listener a better understanding of you as a person. The other is going to make you feel powerful and make the listener hate you.

Often when you vent it is hugely emotional. And the way you use language will determine how those emotions are seen by others.

The first thing to remember is not to use 'you' phrases, unless you are looking for a fight. As soon as start using 'you' phrases you are making the vent personal to the listener. And since vents are not usually full of positive feelings, the listener is going to feel attacked. So stick to 'I' phrases. Keep it to how it makes you feel, not how the situation or other people make you feel. For example 'I feel sad', not 'You make me feel sad.' or 'I feel like no one understands' not 'you don't understand'. They may not understand but they aren't going to be interested in learning more if you are attacking them.

Secondly, remember that the person listening to you is doing you a favour. They don't have to listen to you offload, unless they are a counsellor and that is their job. And that is not to say that you can attack your counsellor either. If you want to stay on good terms with this person who chooses to let you vent to them, then respect them.

Thirdly, avoid generalisation. Saying something like 'all women are bitches' is not going to do you any favours and if the listener happens to be a woman you just called her a bitch. And this leads to the fourth thing to remember.

Fourthly, be specific. Vague venting about 'something' is just bitching. If you have a real issue you should be able to define it. What exactly is it that makes you feel the way you do? 'People are being mean to me' is a vague statement. Which people? What exactly are they doing that makes you feel they are being mean? Without specifics it is very hard to find solutions to issues.

And lastly, be clear that you are venting. Many people when hearing a person offload their feelings try to find a solution, especially many males. Right from the start make it clear that you are venting and that you aren't looking for solutions or answers, you just need to get it off your chest and clear your head. And be sure to thank the listener for giving you their time.

By doing these things you will find that venting becomes cathartic and really does help you to define your feelings and helps you figure out for yourself where to go from here. It can also help strengthen relationships and lead to a deeper understanding.

Happy Venting

Monday, November 4, 2013

Celebrating with Sorrow

Yesterday would have been the 39th birthday of my best friend, my soul sister. For the benefit of this 'anonymous' blog I will call her Izzy.
Izzy was my friend for many years, we were very different, but came from similar backgrounds. She saw me being abused, and was abused herself by Griff. She was the only one who truly knew what I was going through, and she stuck by me through it all. She had issues of her own at home, and I supported her through it all as well.
As we got older our lives began to diverge. She had a baby a few days after she turned 15, got involved with a rough crowd and ended up addicted to heroin. It was this drug that took her life just over 3 years ago. This was the point at which my own life fell in a hole. I have struggled so much to accept that she is gone. Not a day goes by that I don't think about her.
And I have regrets. Things I wish I had done or said. But I know I cannot change any of that and for my own benefit I have to accept that she has died. She still lives in my heart and my mind, but I can never again hug her and have some random conversation. And that hurts. A lot.
So yesterday I decided that her birthday deserves to be acknowledged. She deserves to be remembered and not pushed aside because of her passing. I baked a cake and celebrated her birthday with my family.
Izzy might be gone, but she is not forgotten and she never will be.