Oct 7 2013

I have the flu. But I 'feel' ok otherwise.

My daughter is the age now that I was when my abuse started. I sometimes look at her and compare her to how I was then. I was quite sheltered growing up. Sex wasn't something that was every discussed, at least not around me. I didn't really know how babies were made, and as the youngest in my family I hadn't ever seen my mum pregnant which often leads to questions on reproduction. The watching of TV was highly regulated in our house, no TV until the news came on at night after my Dad got home from work. The only time the TV went on during the day was if you were home sick from school, or if motor racing or cricket was on on the weekend. We didn't watch violent programs. I had a steady diet of The Muppets, Young Talent Time and The Goodies. We also didn't have the kind of computer games that my kids have access to. We did have an Atari at one point with Pong on it. We spent a lot of time outside, playing cricket in the street or riding up and down the road. We felt safe, secure, comfortable.

My daughter has seen violent programs (not on purpose usually), one of her favourite movies is Alien (she is a bit weird LOL). She has heard lots of cussing, she plays video games like Fable and Halo. She is quite a bit younger than her brothers, 7 years younger than the youngest of them and as a result she has been exposed to things I hadn't been at the same age. My eldest brother is only 5 years older than me. So she and her brothers have had lots of information about age appropriate behaviours and language. She knows that shows with sex and lots of violence are not appropriate for her to watch. In fact she will come and tell us if her brothers are watching something that she shouldn't see. Due to my own background I have also talked to her about telling me or another safe adult if anyone tries to make her do something that makes her feel uncomfortable or that involves her girl parts.

She doesn't have the innocence that I had. It some ways that makes me sad, in others it makes me hope more that she would kick up a stink if anyone tried on her what was done to me. I hope it never happens, with all my heart, unfortunately I cannot help but fear that it might. I watch unknown people around her, I cringe when older men start talking to her. But somehow I have managed to keep the majority of my fear to myself. She is not the type to jump at shadows, is gregarious and friendly, whilst being very definite about what she will put up with.

Comparing myself to her I can see that I was much much much less equipped to deal with the abuse that occurred than she would be, and she isn't equipped for it. Maybe it isn't a surprise that it has affected my life so much.